I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
