my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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