peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
