I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
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