Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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