I think I won the penis lottery.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
