mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
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