On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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