My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Randomize
