areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
