Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I have already put on my inside pants.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
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