He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
