I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
YAS. BRING CRAB.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
