You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I can't put those talents on a resume
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Randomize
