Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
