70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
