just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
