he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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