There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
