you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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