I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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