this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
