A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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