Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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