I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I am midnight drunk by noon
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
