How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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