I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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