please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
My vagina just clenched in fear
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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