You kept calling me your small dog last night.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
