I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
