I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
