There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
