How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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