just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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