Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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