I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
