i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
