The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
