Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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