Whod you bang
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
