Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
