Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I will pee on everything he values.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
