hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
