Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
