I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
