I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
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