I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
