grandma shit on top of the toilet
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
