Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
