I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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