How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
